in life, after many ups and downs, we always laugh at others and be magnanimous, but forget to be kind to ourselves.

Japanese writer Taizaiji also wrote in the novel "disqualification in the World":

"my misfortune lies in my lack of the ability to refuse. I am afraid that once I refuse others, I will leave a rift that will never heal in each other's hearts."

wait until you get older and go through some changes, only to find that the people who really love you often don't need you to please, and those who need you to please often don't love you.

this kind of relationship needs to be maintained by flattery, no matter not.

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what leaves is the scenery, but what is left is life.

the rest of your life is long. Be more authentic yourself and don't live in the annoyance of pleasing others. So, for the rest of our lives, we might as well live like this:

-01-

be thankless, love yourself first and then love others

Jiang Fangzhou, a young and famous talented woman, once shared the troubles caused by her "ingratiating personality" in a "strange work conference."

because she wanted others to like her too much, she became a person who dared not refuse casually, dared not express her true feelings, was afraid of conflict, and was afraid of other people's unhappiness.

until one day, a friend woke her up and said, "have you ever had a real relationship with anyone?"

it was only then that she discovered that in more than 20 years of her life, all her relationships had been maintained by flattery.

to be more precise, she makes others by self-sacrifice. She always plays the role of a good person and is naturally unhappy.

and what is the so-called "real relationship" between people?

is that you can argue with this person and expose the most real and unbearable side of yourself to this person without worrying about whether the other person will be unhappy or disgusted.

this sharing also resonates with everyone, and many people seem to see their own shadow in Jiang Fangzhou.

often too sensitive, led by the nose by other people's feelings, as long as the other person's face is wrong, panic;

when you meet a request from others, you will never refuse, and the only one who will refuse is the help of others.

because of excessive humility and ridicule in the face of doubts from others, he always chooses to doubt himself....

but what can be easily obtained is always not easy to be cherished. Blindly pay, blindly please, will only let oneself low to the dust, after all, can not get the recognition of the people you want.

as Xi Murong once wrote:

"when I look back, I suddenly realize that all my efforts in my life are only to make the people around me satisfied with me."

in order to win the approval and smile of others, I trembled into all the patterns, all the shackles.

in the middle of the journey, I suddenly realized that I had only a vague face and a road that could not turn back. "

if a relationship is maintained by your "flattery", it will often make you frustrated and black and blue in the end.

flattering doesn't bring you anything, and rejecting others doesn't mean hurt.

you will never live the way everyone likes, and you don't have to live the way everyone likes.

so no matter how it turns out, please love yourself first and then love others.

when you get to a certain age, you will find that people who can really appreciate you will always appreciate your pride, not your pretending to be humble and deliberately ingratiating.

-02-

Don't explain, be the most authentic yourself

the Japanese TV series "hated Courage" begins with a scene like this:

the hostess Antang Lanzi went to the cake shop to buy cake. there was a long line in front of her.

suddenly, a little girl at the back of the line ran at the counter, shouting that she wanted to eat the only piece of Strawberry Cake left in the shop.

the girl's mother apologized and pulled her back into the team.

ordered other cakes at the same time, but when it was Lanzi's turn, she directly asked for the last piece of Strawberry Cake.

in the eyes of everyone's surprise, she did not explain too much and enjoyed the joy of the cake as if no one else was there.

at this time, there is a line below: only we can control our own life, and we don't live to meet the expectations of others.

Yes, Lanzi followed the social rule of "first come, first come". He paid enough time and money to exchange for a favorite Strawberry Cake, even though it was the last one.

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not everything in this world needs to be explained.

the reason why many people suffer is to be what others expect them to be. Then, day after day, the same life is copied, drawing a circle on the ground as a prison.

it's better to be free and easy, let others imagine it, and just be who you really are.

painter Chen Danqing once said:

"there's no need to let everyone know who you really are, or you don't have to keep explaining to people who I really am.

because this is invalid.

I even think it's good for you to hide your true self behind these misunderstandings. "

people live all their lives to be themselves, not to explain themselves. In many cases, it is more important to please yourself than to be a likable person.

-03-

not entangledLive up to yourself for the rest of your life

I once saw such a question on Zhihu: "what is the source of pain in life?"

one of the netizens' answer is very philosophical: "I can't forget it, I can't let it go, I can't afford to lose."

in the final analysis, there are only two words: too obsessive.

my friend Xiao an is a girl who is humble in love but obsessed with it.

not long ago, she just ended a four-year relationship.

from high school to college, everyone thought they would be a model couple from school uniforms to wedding dresses, but ended hastily because their boyfriend cheated on him.

everyone stood up for her, but at a recent dinner, Xiao an stumbled and told us that they were back together.

at first it was still like glue, but not long after, my boyfriend relapsed again. He didn't answer the phone and Wechat didn't answer.

she gave him all kinds of reasons why he was busy, didn't have time, and was too tired, but at last she fell silent and only asked if we should go on.

if you love deeply, you will make your own decision, and it is superfluous to ask others.

anyone with a discerning eye can see that all the reasons are excuses. Her boyfriend has no feelings for Xiao an a long time ago, but is just used to her goodness.

Xiao an is not clear in her heart, but she is unwilling and unreconciled, and would rather be deadlocked.

even though it is tiring, I still choose to pester it endlessly.

she doesn't understand that when love ceases to exist, entanglement will only make her more embarrassed.

people who have been indulging in the past, it is very difficult to be happy, not entangled, is a free and easy, but also the key to happiness.

I like the words of the English poet Oscar Wilde: "loving yourself is the beginning of lifelong romance."

if a person always turns a blind eye to your good feelings, if your messages always take a long time to get a reply.

if the other person always cares more about himself and ignores your feelings, tell yourself to stop giving without asking for anything in return.

most humble flatterers can't get back to the same relationship, and a really good relationship never needs to be maintained deliberately.

so, for those relationships that need to be fawned upon, let it go.

world is not dusty, the sea is not bitter, he suffers from the dust.

the happiness of life is rooted in the heart. Only when one knows how to please himself can one really reap happiness.

the rest of life is long, since the first half of life, can not see through interpersonal relationships, entangled in the disturbances of life, live a complex and tired life.

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then for the rest of my life, I will still be unflattering, unexplained, unentangled, and be the most authentic self.

in this way, this life can be regarded as a worthwhile trip.

yer808)

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one book a week, no matter how busy it is, don't forget to recharge it.

Lin Jing is a radio host who graduated from the Chinese Department.

May after many years, the story no longer hurts, the sun is still warm, and you are so charming.

Let my voice and other people's stories accompany you every sleepless night.

listen to classics and Lin Jing in the evening.

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Sina Weibo @ DJ Lin Jing.